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More true than false.

(Source: ohrochester, via metropotamia)

Twenty hours of total travel time.

Yay.

Growing Pangs First Date Red Flag:

“Sammich.”

Do you know what happens when you make fun of a bar for the better part of a decade?

Your friend has a birthday there.

Come out to Cans tonight!

If this plane shows another shitty TV show …

… I’m staging a walkout.

“Whatever you do, don’t spend a lot time on it.”

Four hours later …

What? NeoCon is back?

(If you live/work in River North, you know what I’m talking about.)

 nikkiproctor replied to your photo:GPOY. Making a belated birthday tape for Nikki…

ha! those belated whiskey shots are punching me in the glasses right now…d

T/F: My hangover is now compounded with self-loathing:

The gross boob tattoo on my tax preparer does not inspire confidence.

Her gross boob does not inspire boners either.